Present and correct?

Like other people’s relationships, other people’s finances are a murky, mysterious world. That person who flashes the cash may well be your most debt-ridden friend, while the family member who scrimps on everything from nights out to toilet paper could well be sitting on piles of moolah. You simply never know what’s going on in someone’s bank account.

And so, the wedding gift list is a tricky business. Trying to aim it at the pockets of your guests is akin to aiming a water canon at the centre of the Atlantic – there is simply no evidence to suggest if where it’s landed is anything like on target. Is it worth putting anything on the list above, say, £100? Is anyone really going to spend that on you? Or, is it foolish to only list items you know are easily affordable to everyone when there are people who may actually want to spend more?

Most post-gift-list brides that I’ve spoken to have said that people were far more generous than they expected. This is a wedding
we’re talking about after all and there’s nothing quite like the promise of free food and booze for an entire day to get people reaching for their wallets.

But moneysupermarket.com would disagree – their 2010 research cites the average spend on a wedding gift at just £28.26 per person, rising to £30.78 for Londoners. They allege that close friends and family members spend significantly more, which means of course that some people must be spending less than a tenner – or even not buying anything at all.

So, what should you spend? Of course it depends on personal circumstance. No couple would expect their guests to rack up debt to buy them something pretty (at least, we hope not) and, truly, money isn’t everything – but if you buy from the budget end it probably won't go unnoticed. Most couples now operate their gift list online, logging on multiple times before the wedding to see what their guests have bought, and post-wedding, they'll receive a printed list detailing everything purchased, by whom and for how much. Looking back on wedding presents past, that's a thought that scares me a little bit - does it you?

Of course, couples (at least for the most part) don’t invite people to their wedding in order to receive presents from them, and the gift list is, at best, merely a guide. It may sound like a minefield but if you’re really important to the couple getting married they won’t care whether you buy them a television or a teatowel. For us, the wedding is all about spending the day with our nearest and dearest, and the all-too-common idea that some couples have of getting back what they’ve spent per head is, frankly, laughable.

At our wedding gifts are certainly not obligatory, but we do hope to receive items that will remind us of those who spent the day with us, and so, for our list the obvious choice was that high-street denizen of the wedding gift, John Lewis.

Asking for money towards the honeymoon (or, increasingly, some undefined purpose) may be growing in popularity but we wanted something with a little more longevity – and so we hope to receive candlesticks from Auntie Joan* which will grace our dining table for decades, perhaps a casserole dish from Cousin Florence* from which we’ll serve her Sunday lunch in years to come, and maybe even a set of dining chairs from Uncle Bertie* which he’ll sit on every Christmas from now on.

You get the point. It’s about people, not presents. Almost everything on our list is a household item with a long shelf life, and so anything our guests choose to get us from it will be gratefully received and used throughout our married life by not only us, but also by those we share our lives with. We won’t be excommunicating anyone who chooses not to send a gift – but perhaps when they come round for dinner, we'll make them use the old china!

Oh, and if you’re coming to my wedding – the gift list number is 433338 and you can buy something here. You know, just in case.

*Names have, obviously, been changed. In fact, they’re entirely
made up.

Is it the thought that counts?

The last wedding I'll attend as a fiance (unless any of my friends are planning any rather sudden nuptials this winter) is fast approaching and with it the thorny issue of the gift list has raised its head.

Of course, we all expect to get the bride and groom something when we attend a wedding and buying them something is all part of the excitement of attending, but personally I really would rather buy them something (ie an actual present) rather than donate towards their honeymoon, loft extension or, worst of all, their actual wedding. Am I the only person who still likes to turn up to a wedding with a lovingly gift-wrapped box?!

Is it just me or is asking for money to be paid into your account just plain rude? I should hasten to add that it is not this wedding that is asking this of us but it does appear to be a growing trend and it's one that I (and I suspect many others) am really not comfortable with. A gift list at Trailfinders is one thing, it's quite another to just include your account number and sort code with the invitation, surely?

Having given this much thought for our own wedding, we have decided to have an actual gift list. This way, we will have numerous things in our home which will not only remind us of our wedding but also of the people who bought them for us. My mum still has a (slightly hideous admittedly) ornament which she remembers being given by her mother-in-law for her wedding and lots of people of my parents' generation have wedding china that is still treated with reverence to this day.

Of course, a honeymoon is essential and if you can't afford it yourselves it's a lovely gift to have it paid for by family and friends. But what if those friends can barely afford their own holiday this year? How are they going to feel about paying for your five-star sojourn? I'd wager far worse than they'll feel about contributing a tenner towards my John Lewis bath towels.

The gift list, I'm discovering, is every bit as personal as the wedding itself. We all have our own views on money and what it should be spent on – and shouldn't we have some right to choose what our contribution pays for? I would be much happier buying a specific experience for the couple to have on honeymoon (a scuba diving lesson or romantic dinner, for example) than I would be handing over a cheque to Kuoni and I'd much rather put money towards the deposit on the couple's first home than refund them the cost of my own dinner.

But perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong? Maybe it isn't for the guests to say what the money is spent on, but for the couple to decide for themselves? Money given as a gift should always be given without conditions, after all, and if the bride and groom want to spend my dosh on the chocolate fountain for their big day maybe that's ok. I'd still rather turn up with a lovingly giftwrapped box but if an envelope would be better received then who am I to argue?