Standing Naked in Front of Strangers

When you go to the gym there are always those women who wander around stark naked, confident as anything. I’m not one of them, tending more towards cowering in corners than brazenly strutting my stuff, and so when I decided to do a boudoir shoot as an engagement present to my boyfriend I was more than a little nervous about being on display.

It would have been so easy to let my nerves get the better of me and pull out, but knowing that my boyfriend sees something different than I do when I look in the mirror, I was determined to go ahead with the shoot in the hope it would snap things into focus and force me to see what he does – making me feel better about those impending wedding pictures to boot.

In the week up to the shoot I indulged in slightly panicky underwear shopping and increasingly desperate calls to my friend Vicky (who was also to be photographed) about what to bring, and almost had a nervous breakdown when I discovered I would need to turn up completely au naturel in the make-up department.

Fortunately none of this mattered and despite arriving bra-less (to avoid marks), not wearing a scrap of make-up or a dollop of hair product and loaded up with enough shoes and dresses for a week in Marbella, we found ourselves lulled into immediate relaxation by the warm welcome of the Alter Ego team.

The first hour or so of the day was spent having tea, chatting about fashion with photographer Martin Plant and his assistant Lola and being wonderfully beautified by hair and make-up artist Toni Perryman. I loved having my hair curled into soft, sexy waves with the hot rollers and seeing myself transformed by those magic make-up brushes, so much so that I forgot entirely why I was there – a sensation helped along by a glass or two of prosecco.

By the time it came to changing into my extremely sexy basque from Joanna’s Wardrobe I felt completely at ease with Martin and Lola, but perhaps not the camera. Fortunately Martin has a tactic for this and started the shoot with a few fully-clothed portraits by the window. He gave me a few tips on relaxing my face and by the time we’d captured the shots I felt much better about staring down the lens.

Now feeling much more comfortable with the idea of being photographed, I felt no qualms about being dressed in just a basque and heels and began to enjoy coming up with poses with Lola, who has a seemingly never-ending catalogue of ideas to draw on. We began with a few shots using a scene of trunks and suitcases, some of which are genuine articles donated by Martin’s mum, an ex-Wren. I wore a trench coat, open to reveal my stockings, in some and in others just the basque. I also climbed inside the trunk, kicking my legs in the air, hid behind a pretty pink parasol revealing just my stockings and naked shoulders and perched on a pink and white striped chest of draws in a silky dressing gown.

As the poses became more ambitious, so did I, and now really getting into it, time began to fly. For our next scene Martin and Lola changed the backdrop to blue and set up a picnic rug. Dressed this time in a full 1950s skirt and a tied-at-the-waist white blouse I posed for shots lying down reading a magazine and leaning over in front of the wind machine for a Marilyn Monroe-style cheeky reveal.

Back in the basque we did more shots lying down, some of my legs resting on a chair, some close-up stocking shots on a white fluffy rug. Now completely relaxed I was keen to do more but it was Vicky’s turn so I took the opportunity for a rest and had lunch and yet more prosecco as I watched Martin and Lola come up with slightly different shots for Vicky.

Seeing some of the shots I’d been doing from the perspective of the viewer made me realise how great I had probably looked and that there really was no need to fear looking unattractive. This realisation was fortunate because next up was a rather acrobatic shot on a metal chair. With both feet on the seat, Lola demonstrated how to push ourselves up with our arms and lean back, creating a triangular shape with our bodies. Harder than it looks this was tough on the thighs but probably one of the shots most likely to end up in the album. As Vicky had said on the drive up, the shots that feel the least sexy are generally the sexiest.

With the shoot drawing to a close Martin suggested we change into anything we had really wanted photographed which hadn’t been. A cream babydoll was the obvious choice for me, it being one of my boyfriend’s favourites, and I changed somewhat regretfully out of my now-much-loved basque for some shots on the sofa.

Vicky and I took similar shots lying down on the sofa, leaning on the armrest and looking straight into the camera but for me there was one thing missing. Feeling much more confident than when I’d arrived that morning, I asked Martin if we could do some bum shots. Dressed in far too much lingerie for this, he sent me to change and I choose what was probably the briefest underwear I had. After a shot lying down we ended on one I thought I’d never have the confidence to do – a full-length standing shot. Turned away from everyone and facing just the backdrop being nearly naked seemed like nothing to worry about and when Martin suggested that if I was feeling brave enough the shot would work better bra-less I found myself happy enough to be standing in front of three people I’d never met before in just a thong.

Feeling proud of my courage I was almost sorry to return to civilian clothes – as well as desperate to see the fruits of my new-found body confidence and start choosing my album. Returning a few days later, some of my previous niggles about how I might look had returned but a glass or two of wine and the candle-scented studio put me immediately at ease and took the focus off the big screen set up in front of me.

Viewing the slideshow of Martin’s carefully selected 70 or so best shots was a revelation. The details of the shoot somewhat hazy, I could hardly believe I had done some of the poses that appeared on screen, and was sure the woman in the photos couldn’t possibly be me. The hard part, it turned out, was not to be coming face to face with how I looked but loving too many of the shots. My album was meant to be a selection of 10 shots but after several rounds of edits we were still left with more than 30 images. Despite Martin pulling up the similar ones to help me pick the best and most varied bunch, in the end I just couldn’t delete any more and had to settle on 23 – a much bigger haul of beautiful pictures of myself than I ever thought possible.

Having seen the results I now know how much I would have lost had I chickened out. I may not quite be ready to wander around those changing rooms naked just yet, but I do feel a lot more confident about my body – and a lot more likely to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Getting personal?

Weddings always include certain unassailable things – vows, speeches, cake, some form of alcoholic beverage - but these are not the things that make it a wedding. Yes, it doesn't feel right if noone throws a bouquet and someone doesn't cry but what really makes a wedding is the personal touch.

Without something to make your wedding yours, something which couldn't have been at any other wedding, is it doomed to merge into every other wedding ever performed? In years to come people won't remember what they ate or whether it was real champagne or fake fizz they drank to toast your nuptials, but they will remember a unique first dance, red wedding dress or truly heartfelt speech by someone special.

So how can you come up with those unique, quirky touches to add to your big day? This is the question that is currently plaguing me as I move out of the early days of "do we want a church or civil ceremony?" and "what kind of dress do I want?" territory and into the frills, bows, bells and whistles territory of the decoration, music and entertainment.

Do I want a choreographed first dance? Should we hire some sort of entertainment other than music? Is it a good idea to use photos of ourselves as decorations or is this a bit navel-gazing? All these questions and many more way more specific ones to do with top secret possible extras are currently swimming around in my head along with the million and one other things we really ought to have sorted by now such as flowers and the groom's outfit.

Unfortunately all this brings me to the even scarier realm of mid-night questions about how well I know myself and my husband-to-be. What do people know us for? When our friends talk about us what do they say? And what do they really think of us anyway?
Clearly this has gone too far but the point is that unless you have something obviously outstanding about yourself, perhaps to do with your job, a hobby or your family background, it's very difficult to know what's "you" – at least to other people. There's little point throwing something so personal nobody gets it into the mix but taking a step back from yourself and thinking about what will make your wedding you is a formidable task - and one which no wedding magazine or website can really help you with.

The answer seems to be to add any quirky things you really want to add, get as many people close to you involved as possible (especially when it comes to readings, speeches and even performances) and try not to panic about whether your wedding will be memorable. Whatever happens it will be to you, and that's what really matters.

Are wedding books worth the paper they're written on?

I am nothing if not well researched and shortly after I got engaged I put in a rather embarrassingly large order to Amazon for wedding-related books (not to mention the arm-busting, carrier-bag-bursting trip to WHSmith for those seemingly essential wedding mags) and I've read every last one avidly, but are any of these "helpful" tomes really worth the paper they're written on?

My first read was A Modern Girl's Guide to Getting Hitched by Sarah Ivens. Considering myself to be one of these eponymous modern brides I thought this would prove useful but after a quick once-over, it's been languishing underneath various bridal catalogues in the "wedding corner" (actually a disorganised pile) of our living room ever since. I think the problem with this one is that it's all bullet points and advice-laden lists a la coffee-table book but comes in the flimsy format of a holiday paperback. This does, to be fair, make it easy to carry around, but also means it lacks a certain authority somehow - at least to me. There are helpful tips in here on everything from "coming to terms with never being able to pull men again" to "learning to accept your big day is over" and lots of the smaller details are covered in depth. However I personally found some of the advice a little obvious, some even to the point of assuming the reader has undergone some sort of lobotomy along with their engagement - do I really need to be reminded that "parents should always be first to hear of an engagement" or that "a tester fling with an ex is not a good idea"? Perhaps some brides do...

Next I read Laura Bloom's The Wedding Diaries which focuses on "how to get married in style without breaking the bank". This book is written as a diary so is more personal than A Modern Girl's Guide and unfortunately for me this was its downfall. As much as I love to hear about other weddings, it's going to take one that I really want to emulate for me to plough through over 200 pages of detail about it and this one just isn't that wedding. Although useful in theory, the amount of financial figures in this book made me all-too-concerned about costs and I question the relevance of listing everything to the pound when costs change so frequently anyway - and are so caught up in location, timing and exact specifications. If budget is your main concern, this book could be great but if you'd rather dream big then Laura isn't the right bride to follow.

Another, more obviously "useful" book I ended up with was The Step by Step Guide to Planning Your Wedding by Lynda Wright. Less a book than a workbook this is packed with checklists and suggestions for everything from bible readings to cake sizes. Due to the lack of things to actually read, this book hasn't emerged from the pile of wedding paraphernalia since it was purchased and, to be honest, is probably headed straight back there. Too much like school, not enough romance. Although brides who need someone else to organise them could do well with this.

More recently I bought Lucy Mangan's The Reluctant Bride. This chronological tale from engagement to wedding is more entertaining than most bridal books but if you don't like Lucy now you definitely won't after this. A humourous story this may be but with Lucy constantly painting herself as the fool, by the end of the book it's hard to take the wedding seriously and as the newlyweds leave their own painstakingly (actually, more just painfully) organised bash at around 8pm it left me realising all-too-late that, for me at least, this was a handbook to how not to do it.

But it's not all dross out there and my most recent two purchases have earned pride of place on the wedding pile. For a truly instructive guide which covers everything from the ceremony to the gift list, the Rough Guide to Weddings is the best out there. There are quotes from past brides and grooms in here but the focus is on what needs to be done, when and how and everything is laid out simply and in sensible chapter order. Advice is low-key, explaining the obvious without those "well, duh" moments and getting into the nitty gritty without being dogmatic about traditions or what you should and shouldn't be doing. This is coffee-table content in coffee-table format, and as such has been sitting on ours since it arrived, being referred to as and when we think of something we're not too sure about. Perfect.

My other favourite has been Confessions of a Wedding Planner by Tamryn Kirby - literally everything I was looking for in a wedding book. Funny, heart-warming, informative and enlightening, it focuses on Tamryn's rise from newbie to wedding coordinator extraordinaire and tells the tales of many a wedding, both good and bad. There are tips in here but the best don't come from lists, they come from the stories of past weddings - which, in reality, is exactly where they should do.

All in all I've come to the conclusion that wedding books must only be taken with a pinch of salt. I have such set ideas about what I want (surely, so does any bride) that no past wedding is going to be exactly what I'm looking for, so those "my experience" diary-style guides are not very helpful - and because every wedding is different, the list-heavy guide-style books are often prone to irrelevance. As with the magazines, wedding books are not to be followed by the letter, they are at best entertaining and/or instructive, and at worst infuriating and/or dull. Keep me away from Amazon...

Is it the thought that counts?

The last wedding I'll attend as a fiance (unless any of my friends are planning any rather sudden nuptials this winter) is fast approaching and with it the thorny issue of the gift list has raised its head.

Of course, we all expect to get the bride and groom something when we attend a wedding and buying them something is all part of the excitement of attending, but personally I really would rather buy them something (ie an actual present) rather than donate towards their honeymoon, loft extension or, worst of all, their actual wedding. Am I the only person who still likes to turn up to a wedding with a lovingly gift-wrapped box?!

Is it just me or is asking for money to be paid into your account just plain rude? I should hasten to add that it is not this wedding that is asking this of us but it does appear to be a growing trend and it's one that I (and I suspect many others) am really not comfortable with. A gift list at Trailfinders is one thing, it's quite another to just include your account number and sort code with the invitation, surely?

Having given this much thought for our own wedding, we have decided to have an actual gift list. This way, we will have numerous things in our home which will not only remind us of our wedding but also of the people who bought them for us. My mum still has a (slightly hideous admittedly) ornament which she remembers being given by her mother-in-law for her wedding and lots of people of my parents' generation have wedding china that is still treated with reverence to this day.

Of course, a honeymoon is essential and if you can't afford it yourselves it's a lovely gift to have it paid for by family and friends. But what if those friends can barely afford their own holiday this year? How are they going to feel about paying for your five-star sojourn? I'd wager far worse than they'll feel about contributing a tenner towards my John Lewis bath towels.

The gift list, I'm discovering, is every bit as personal as the wedding itself. We all have our own views on money and what it should be spent on – and shouldn't we have some right to choose what our contribution pays for? I would be much happier buying a specific experience for the couple to have on honeymoon (a scuba diving lesson or romantic dinner, for example) than I would be handing over a cheque to Kuoni and I'd much rather put money towards the deposit on the couple's first home than refund them the cost of my own dinner.

But perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong? Maybe it isn't for the guests to say what the money is spent on, but for the couple to decide for themselves? Money given as a gift should always be given without conditions, after all, and if the bride and groom want to spend my dosh on the chocolate fountain for their big day maybe that's ok. I'd still rather turn up with a lovingly giftwrapped box but if an envelope would be better received then who am I to argue?

Dress stress

Not normally one to fixate on one issue to the exclusion of all others, or obsess about something superficial for weeks on end, the pressure of picking a wedding dress has come as something of a surprise to me.

I didn't expect to stress about such a (relatively) unimportant life choice so much but it turns out that I am, after all, a complete girl! Of all the decisions in life we have to make, choosing a wedding dress may not be up there with selecting a partner, buying a house or deciding on a career path but it is after all something you have to live with forever. It lives on in photographs and will forever become part of your image of yourself - the pressure heaped on this particular garment is huge.

But fortunately I've found it. Yes, after visiting numerous boutiques, trying on more than 50 dresses and agonising over terrible mobile phone pictures of them all it turned out to be easy. Going back to three of the best shops and showing the top six dresses to my mum and mother-in-law-to-be turned out to narrow it down better and faster than I could ever have hoped. Everyone said I would "know it was the one" when I saw it but as I hadn't the first time around I was worried I really wouldn't.

How wrong I was. Of the six, one simply stood out and it couldn't have been more obvious had it sprouted legs and tapped me on the shoulder. I have no qualms about the dresses I ultimately rejected, I'm not mooning over them or wondering if I've made the right choice, and those mobile phone pictures can be deleted without a care. I've chosen the dress I want to marry my Douglas in - and I couldn't be more relieved! Just nine months until I can share it with you all...

Do you, Helen, take this dress....?

Over the past month I’ve plundered the pages of every wedding magazine in Smiths, logged on to so many Flash-happy dress designer websites I swear my glasses prescription has changed and visited enough bridal boutiques to confidently advise anyone looking to open one (don’t employ snooty staff, by the way, is rule number one).

And what do I have to show for this monumental effort? A short list of six (six!) dresses, all of which I really like but none of which I love to the point of tearing up in front of the mirror, and a diary packed with follow-up fittings and punctuated with angrily Biro-ed out former appointments which bit the dust when I saw something so obviously better/examined the photos on my camera/decided I wasn’t a demure/statement/traditional/modern bride.

The problem, you see, is that I can wear anything. Yes, I know, I’m very lucky etc and blah, but in this case I’d kill for someone to just say “hmmm, this style really isn’t for you is it” in that thoughtful yet firm way bridal shop staff do as they start unlacing you and herding you back behind the curtain.

Because I’m stuck, basically. I’ve tried fishtail and mermaid, beaded and lacy, A-line and drop-waisted, ivory and taupe, ruched and corseted – and all have been ok. Not “wow I never want to take it off again”, but “ok I could wear this to walk down the aisle”.

But is that enough? Any of the six remaining dresses (which, to be fair, fall broadly into two camps so it’s a little more 50/50 than it sounds) would look good, feel great and make for some lovely photos. Each one has made me examine myself happily from all angles and feel like I am actually getting married – something which nothing has succeeded in doing before now. But shouldn’t I be bursting with happiness and wiping my eyes demurely as I whisper “this is the one” a la Hollywood? It sounds such a cliché but so many people have said I’ll know when I see it, that I’m actually expecting to.

Perhaps on my second lap of London’s bridal boutiques I’ll feel it. Maybe one of the six will leap out declaring itself as “my” dress and I’ll be able to picture myself walking down that aisle at last. Maybe someone will pull a previously absent dress from the rails, I’ll put it on and boom, all bets are off. Or possibly I’m just going to have to narrow it down to the one that looks the best and suits the venue. When it comes to picking a wedding dress, how sure is sure enough?

What wedding dress?

According to those pesky all-pink-and-white wedding magazines and their never-ending glossy pages of checkbox-packed lists it is now officially time to start looking for my wedding dress.

Not only have they told me this but they've also screeched (not literally of course, that's just how I imagine they speak) that this is "the fun part" and that there will be "literally hundreds to choose from".

Is it wrong that this terrifies me? Anything that's lauded as "fun" sets me on edge anyway (it's what people say about karaoke and I hate karaoke) but it's the sheer range of choices that I know I am about to be presented with that really has me breaking out in a cold sweat.

I tend to make decisions fairly rashly it has to be said. If someone calls with a last-minute invite I'm there in a flash, I take on large work projects without knowing fully what's involved and I normally buy clothes on impulse on unplanned Tuesday afternoon pre-drinking shopping sprees. Making a premeditated purchase after scouring magazines and websites and visiting numerous boutiques to try endless options is not very, well, me.

Which leads me to my other problem. What kind of dress is "me"? There are strapless and halterneck, scoop neck and square neck, cap sleeves and cape-sleeved, knee-length and floor-length, off-white and almost-white, retro and cutting-edge, informal and formal...the list goes on and my head starts spinning. I tend to think of myself as someone who's reasonably up on fashion but this is a whole new world, one with its own language and rules and which until now has remained totally off my radar.

So, how will I know what to choose? Will I even end up in the right shops? And most importantly, is it likely to be any fun? I guess I'm about to find out...

Hedonism v hiking: what is a honeymoon?

Doug and I have just got back from a three-week trip to Peru which, before flying out, had been labelled a "holiday". We arrived on the Tuesday and by the Friday (and our third pre-6am wake-up call in a row) this was no longer a word I was able to utter without a wry laugh to myself (yes, some people thought I was a loon but that's the beauty of travel, the next day they were gone).

Having abandoned all hopes of lazing, lounging or generally sleeping in past 9am, by the time we began the Inca Trail I was enjoying my "trip" and getting into the swing of every-other-day relocations by bus, train or plane and the resulting almost-alcohol-free early nights.

So imagine my surprise when one couple in our walking group casually unveiled the H word. Yes, they were on honeymoon. In a tent. Wearing thermals. Carrying walking poles. I was aghast.

Now I should qualify that I don't believe in fly 'n' flop travel and won't be sunning myself in the Maldives for a week post-wedding while someone brings me cocktails and fans me with palm leaves. However, I do think that a honeymoon should be relaxing, at least a bit luxurious and generally focused on romance rather than roughing it.

Planning a wedding is a full-time job which, more often than not, has to be fitted around an existing full-time job, it's stressful, involves mothers and mother-in-laws and usually results in at least one minor break-down at some stage. Therefore, surely recuperation should be the name of the game when it comes to boarding that first flight as Mr and Mrs?

But perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree. With travel increasingly accessible (and affordable) most brides and grooms have seen a fair portion of the world, be it together or separately, before the wedding – so is the honeymoon actually about exploring thusfar-undiscovered territory together? Is adventure more important than battery-recharging?

The average honeymoon now costs £3,860 which seems like a hell of a lot of money to spend on a trip which simply involves being horizontal (whether on a sun lounger or, ahem, elsewhere) so are there actually thousands of couples heading off on similarly adventurous honeymoons? And if so, why do we never hear about them? Every wedding magazine I've picked up in the last six months has focused on sun, sand and sea destinations usually found in either the Caribbean or the Indian Ocean. They are so samey and so obviously irrelevant to me that I actually skip the travel pages – and I'm someone who subscribes to at least five monthly travel mags.

Personally I'm planning a honeymoon which falls nicely between the two extremes: there won't be any hiking but there will be adventure, and although I don't intend to spend every waking moment on a sun lounger, we will be sitting on a beach, cocktails in hand, at least for the first day. Planning the honeymoon is every bit as personal as planning the wedding, and it requires exactly the same level of research, organisation and consideration – so why is it so often an afterthought, shoved to the back of the bridal magazines and relegated to last-minute decisions and pin-the-tail-on-the-map randomness?

Perhaps it's only this important to me. Am I the only bride pouring over travel guides and world maps just as much as dress advertising and floral arrangements? Or has the humble honeymoon become almost as important as the wedding?

The first dance dilemma

Since those bloody Youtube showoffs upped the ante with their increasingly involved wedding dances, the first dance has become something of an enigma. Sticking to a three-minute sway to a traditional, tried-and-tested ballad now looks beyond dull, while going all out and copying the moves from some Dirty Dancing-esque favourite semms a little, well, 2008. What to do?

Everyone seems to agree that the first dance should define you as a couple and present you to the world in one perfect married-couple nutshell. But what exactly does that mean? It seems appropriate to have a song that "means something" to us but unfortunately everything that springs to mind is either a 90s chart hit or 80s wonder from our student days or one of those dance-floor-filling indie-pop tune we've all been stomping to since graduation. We don't have "our song".

But then who does? Most people fall back on something classic by Sinatra or Barry White or a more up-to-date ballad like Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" or something awful by James Blunt. All of these are commonly to be found on websites listing "the top first dance songs of all time" or similar. I've visited the sites and scanned the lists and unfortunately nothing appeals.

This is partly because I just know that these have all been chosen hundreds of times before. Although I don't consider myself a "quirky" sort of person, especially not when it comes to music, I do want something a little unexpected, perhaps something nobody else at the wedding had thought of, or seen used by other couples.

But it's proving mighty difficult. So far we have a list of six contenders, but none have really jumped out at us as "the" song. For such an important moment we really want something we'll be 100% happy with - and that means both of us. We've argued over iTunes and bonded over Spotify but still the elusive perfect track escapes us. We need help, so feel free to make a suggestion, just nothing by James Blunt please....!

Weekday weddings - a good idea?

As the summer finally kicks off and wedding season gets underway, this year I've noticed something different. Instead of discussing with friends which Saturdays are out for BBQs, birthday celebrations and weekends away because of weddings, the discussion has focused on whether we all have enough annual leave left over after all the weekdays lost to the strongest emerging trend in nuptials - the weekday wedding.

With the average cost of a UK wedding now comfortably over £20,000 every saving counts and the easiest way to save some serious money without compromising on the wedding of the bride's dreams is to have it on a day other than Saturday. In the past a wedding in the week was a rarity but now, with it representing savings which can run into the thousands, it's becoming more and more popular to get married on a Friday or even a Thursday.

But can you expect friends and family to take a day off work to attend your ceremony? With accommodation, travel, the stag or hen night and the gift, it now costs several hundred pounds just to attend a wedding - and those free bars are a thing of the past too. So, is it asking too much to expect to cost them a day of their annual leave as well?

Personally I wouldn't have considered a weekday wedding. I want as many people to be able to make it to my ceremony as possible and can't bare the idea that anyone would be there begrudgingly or have to leave early to get home for work the next day. In fact, we've gone for a bank holiday Sunday to allow people a day both before and after the wedding to travel, recuperate and generally fit our big day into their lives. Of course close family and friends will gladly give up a day in the office for your wedding if they can but what about those who really can't, teachers for example? And what about those more distant friends and relatives who might not think it worth the effort?

Of course you could argue that anyone unwilling to take a day off work to celebrate with you isn't worth inviting in the first place. But what if your guests already have a handful of weekday weddings to fit into the office holiday schedule? What if they live far enough away to need to travel the day before and therefore take two days off work? What if you happen to coincide with your best friend's company's AGM or something unforeseen but ultimately unmissable?

In the end I decided that a weekday wedding presented more problems that it solved but I know many people who would vehemently disagree. Am I foolish to spend the extra on a weekend wedding? Or is a Saturday wedding ultimately the most sensible thing to do?

Themes and schemes - are they necessary?

What is it with themes? I've always hated those fancy dress parties that have you spending stupid amounts of money on items of clothing you wouldn't normally even pick up at a jumble sale just so you can fit in with some overriding but vague theme like "eighties", "heaven and hell" or, even worse, "French". I'd rather buy a nice outfit and be done.

That was certainly my attitude to the wedding - until, that is, it began to dawn on me that weddings are now like any other party and expected to be, in some small way at least, themed. Not necessarily in a garish, "everyone must wear devil horns" kind of way but in a subtle, personal sort of way.

Those pesky wedding magazines (which I'm beginning to think may be bad for me, my health and my bank account) are forever talking about what defines you "as a couple" and suggesting ways of incorporating this into your celebrations. I read of one couple who combined sand from both their travels as part of their ceremony - a beautiful sentiment but not one for us.

So, now I'm wondering what is "us". Travel is a big thing for us but I can't think of a non-tacky way of incorporating this, and Doug's first love is golf - something which definitely needs to be done right to avoid looking, well, hideous frankly. And even if we decide to sidestep all this theme nonsense, there's still the colour scheme to choose.

We've discussed deep purple and dark green, monochrome and neon brights; we've looked at bridesmaids dresses in Coast; we've even been to Homebase and picked up paint swatches - and we still simply don't know what we want. Every time we lean one way I see everything heading off into some hideously matchy matchy world where we all wear the same colour to tie in with the table centres which match the cake - and I want to scream.

So, do we need a colour scheme at all? Can we just pick what we like when we find it and to hell with the matching ribbons? Or would this look like a mish-mash of clashing colours on the day? Answers on a colour-coded postcard please....

National Wedding Show

Still feeling in need of some inspiration, Doug and I spent yesterday afternoon at the National Wedding Show where it was to be found by the bucketload.

All last week people were telling Doug not to go, that it was a miserable experience, that he'd hate it. Understandably then, he wasn't feeling too up for it when we arrived at Olympia to be confronted by a whole lot of pink and white. I, on the other hand, have always wanted to go to the wedding show and was expecting to enjoy it. However, I know my boredom threshold for these exhibitions and so we had quite a specific plan – arrive, watch some shows, speak to some florists/dress designers then go for a well-deserved Thai.

Collecting the show programme, we went for coffee first to digest it, both feeling pretty knackered after a bit too much wine the night before. For once, we'd timed something unintentionally well as the "inspirations" show was about to start. We headed for the theatre area expecting tips on budgeting (much needed) and planning but instead found ourselves at a session all about cakes. Now, I know the cake is important and, to some people, is the centrepiece of the evening, but we're not all that fussed and when they wheeled out a massive pink and white monstrosity by a fabulously expensive French cakemaker we were somewhat aghast. It was, quite honestly, hideous, but on the plus side has made me even more certain that Waitrose will be our cakemaker of choice!

We were on the verge of leaving when we realised we were gradually being surrounded by champagne-flute-wielding gaggles of excitable women. Wondering what was going on I checked the timetable to find that the catwalk show was next – perfect timing. Divided into scenes and showcasing around 70 outfits (mostly dresses, some suits) the show was actually very useful for a dress-confused girl like myself. I was particularly taken with a strapless Chandrika Thomas dress and several of the Enzoani dresses caught my eye. I loved the Candy Anthony scene too, and am now considering (though none-too-seriously) the possibility of a knee-length 50s style.

After the show we had a look around the stands but, being Sunday afternoon, found that many suppliers' interest had waned slightly. The flowers area was somewhat disappointing, with very few displays of anything like what we want, but we were impressed with Mathew Dickinson and did get a couple of colour ideas. I looked at a few dresses too but variety was limited and many were dirty from lots of brides-to-be having tried them on.

Although we picked up some ideas and got our minds back in the wedding zone after a couple of busy work weeks, I don't think we'll go back to the show next year. So many of the stands were irrelevant to us, since the venue, photographer and honeymoon are already decided, and there just wasn't enough for the men. Doug did pick up a few suit hire brochures but the whole event was geared so much more towards women – there were more mums in the room than there were grooms!

All in all, a useful afternoon, but if you're getting married and you missed it, just head out and buy some mags for the same inspiration at a much cheaper price!

Engagement party

In some ways the traditional engagement party is an outdated event. Historically an opportunity for both families to meet, this wasn't something we needed to do since we already spend Christmas together so for us, it was more something we wanted to do - a fantastic excuse for a boozy night out!

We hired the room above the Theodore Bullfrog pub just off the Strand and, apart from a rather grumpy barman, it was the perfect venue. It was the right size, we played our own music and they did good, cheap food to stop the drunkenness from setting in too early!

Although we have a lot of parties at home and make a bit of a fuss over both of our birthdays every year, this was the first time we've got so many people we know together in one place, and it was a great sampler of what the wedding is going to be like. Having so many people there for us really brought home what this wedding is all about, we want it to be fun, informal and lively - and judging by the engagement party we've chosen the right bridal party for that!

Photographer booked

So, after much agonising we've finally gone ahead and booked our photographer. We decided to go with Martin and Karen Plant because we know they'll capture a couple of blow-us-away shots that we'll treasure forever. We just kept coming back to one shot they took of a couple at our venue at sunset which is exactly the kind of thing we're after.

Next up is the dress and this is where I think it's going to start to feel really real...

Choosing a photographer - help needed!

So, with the venue booked and the date set, the next thing on my list of priorities is the photography. As a journalist I'm fairly used to having my picture taken and seeing professional results so I must admit to being quite picky about this.

I really want someone who can compile a great set of reportage shots of the day and also capture a few key images of us as a couple and of groups of close family and friends. I'm hoping for one or two wall-worthy pictures plus lots of great photos we can put in frames and put an album together with.

To me, capturing the day is one of the most important things - after all, apart from the rings, what else do you actually have left after the wedding itself besides the photos? Certainly not the flowers, favours or centrepieces...! And so, I'm finding it really really hard to decide.

We've got it down to two and, having already blown the budget on this, aren't too worried about the slight difference in price between them. Our main concern is how they will be on the day - we need someone we can get on well with and who can fade into the background to put people at ease but still leap forward when a particularly photogenic moment occurs.

Our two potential photographers are David Jones and Martin & Karen Plant. Both work in pairs (David works with a woman called Lucy who we haven't met) and both offer enough coverage on the day - from Doug's morning round of golf to well into the evening dancing. Both are also very professional, very friendly and very experienced. So how can we choose? Martin & Karen know Coltsfoot well having photographed their before but I'm not sure how much this matters as David would visit the venue in advance anyway, and both offer an engagement shoot so we can get to know them before the big day.

This is definitely the toughest decision so far and I'm conscious too of how personal it is selecting one over the other. Any thoughts or advice greatly appreciated!

Venue chosen!

After spending the last two weekends chasing around Hertfordshire and Essex in circles and getting to know the A1 intimately we had only one place to go this Saturday. Yep, after much deliberation (well, at least on my part, Doug was sold from first glance!) we've booked our wedding venue.

If you've been reading this blog over the past week or two you won't be in the least bit surprised to learn that it's Coltsfoot - in the end there really wasn't much competition. Of the nine venues we visited, three (Theobalds Park, Shendish Manor and Tewin Bury Farm) took themselves out of the running straight away because there would be another wedding on site at the same time, and after seeing venues with accommodation we decided to discount those that didn't have bedrooms within stumbling distance of the bar - which meant Gaynes Park, the Hertfordshire and Priory Barn were out. So, that only left Fanhams Hall, Ponsbourne Park and Coltsfoot.

Of these only Coltsfoot was totally exclusive - and a barn, which was what we'd always had in mind. So, apart from my umming and ahhing over whether there was somewhere even more perfect out there, the decision was really made as we pulled out of the car park. As we'd seen so many places so quickly we had to go back to check we were sure it was perfect for us but there's just something so right about the atmosphere there, and the couple who will be overseeing our day (Jenny and Richard) are easily the friendliest people we've dealt with. We chatted about the details over a pot of tea by the roaring fire in the bar and in the end there just wasn't any doubt in our minds; we were left feeling more than happy to hand over the deposit cheque. So, assuming the registrar doesn't throw a red-taped spanner in the works, we will be getting married on May 1 2011.

So all that's left to sort out now is the dress, the food, the music, the flowers....

The venue hunt ends (hopefully)

Thanks to the success of yesterday, today's venue hunt was a bit of a non-starter. Our first appointment was at Tewin Bury Farm, which I had thought might have given our first choice a run for it's money. On the website it looked lovely (and, to be fair, the buildings themselves are) but it was so obviously wrong for us from the get go that we found it difficult to even bother asking the appropriate questions! The issue really is that there are four (yes, four!) different wedding venues here and, we felt, no separation between them. They are so close together and our guests would have rooms around the farm, presumably amongst the guests of the other weddings. There was no guarantee that I wouldn't see the other brides on the day - in fact, I'm almost certain it would be unavoidable, and I've realised that this is something I feel really strongly about. We looked at the Millstream and the Stables but the Millstream was right next to the vast marquee so would be totally overshadowed by the bigger event should there be one in there, and the Stables building was lovely, but not nice enough to combat the fact that it virtually overlooked the Barn's gardens where any guests from a wedding in there would be milling about. I may be wrong, but to us it seemed like a money-spinning machine with scant regard for a bride's special day and I'm sure now that I want a venue at which we're the only wedding that day.
This would be the case at Ponsbourne Park, a place which hadn't wowed with its website or brochure but impressed immediately in reality. Our ceremony here could be outside under the domed circular terrace or inside in the lightest ceremony room we've seen by a mile. The reception room was a lovely traditional manor house-type space which would be the perfect size for us and the bar would remain open for as long as we wanted (one of our main considerations!). The bedrooms were pretty standard hotel rooms but can sleep up to four and were really affordable - although the bridal suite was rather uninspiring - and everything was very much about the personal touch and doing just what we wanted.
Our final venue (of nine, phew!) was Fanhams Hall where we didn't have an appointment but which was hosting a wedding fair. We had to pay £5 which I'm not sure was really necessary but we got a good look around and had a few canapes and a dip in the chocolate fountain. It really is a stunning venue and as we're looking at a Sunday wedding we would be the only bridal couple there that day, giving us free reign of the beautiful formal gardens. The wood-panelled Great Hall (which could be used for both our ceremony and our reception) was straight out of a fairytale and there was a quality feel to the place, including the wonderfully traditional bridal suite - but that big hotel feel was back with a vengeance when the rather stern receptionist started outlining strict minimum numbers and ultimately we just didn't feel it would be worth the higher price. Maybe for a more princess-like bride...
So, we decamped to the pub to deliberate over a roast. Looking back over what we've seen, two venues stand out as being right for us but we can only pick one and in the end we just keep coming back to one above all the others. A few small questions remain about those all-important practicalities but hopefully before this week is out, our venue will be booked - and then the real fun begins!

The venue hunt continues

After a fairly slow start last weekend, we really got to grips with the venue search today. Thanks to the dreary gray weather and an early start it felt a bit more like work than fun, but a sense of achievement is setting in now - and I really think we may have found our venue!

Our first stop was Theobalds Park in Cheshunt. Just ten minutes drive from home and with an impressive website this had seemed like a good option, but it just didn't work any magic in the end. We admittedly approached from the wrong entrance but it just seemed a little tired from the off. The reception is all very modern conference-venue in feel and the greeting we received lacked a lot in warmth and friendliness - not helped by the fact that we hadn't been given the right name of who to meet. The estate has two venues, a Georgian manor house and a more modern barn, and before we arrived we were leaning towards the house. However, although from the outside it looked extremely grand, inside it just didn't live up to first impressions and there were far too many different rooms for our size of wedding. The barn was much better, with rooms arranged around a lovely courtyard, but should the weather be bad our only option for the ceremony was a low-ceilinged, dingy conference room. I can imagine this venue working brilliantly for the right couple but in the end we were put off by the general feel of the place and the lack of care and professionalism shown by the staff - it left me with the feeling that when it comes to weddings, chain hotels are just not the way to go, at least not for us.

Our second venue was the one that on paper had ticked the most boxes. Coltsfoot Country Retreat is more rural than most places on our list, surrounded by acres of fields and reached by a narrow lane, and as it's not a hotel, a conference venue or a golf club in addition to being a wedding venue, we could hire the whole place (including all its bedrooms) exclusively. We arrived half an hour early but the staff were unfazed, bringing us coffee by the log fire and making us feel instantly at home. The reception room itself lacked the spaciousness of some we've seen but more than made up for it in character. The food here also suits us better than many venues with hearty rather than fussy meals for the wedding breakfast and substantial evening canapes like fish and chips instead of a buffet - plus they'll let us drink in the bar until whatever hour we can muster! Having the accommodation on-site is also a major plus and we could allocate the rooms ourselves which would mean having all the people we want near us, near us!

Our next venue, Priory Barn, was equally as rural and could also cater to our food tastes as well as being perhaps the one with the greatest wow-factor. Dating from 1541 it has bags of character with its exposed beams and quaint gardens complete with babbling brook and genuinely did make me gape when I saw it. Despite it being empty (and cold!) owner John gave us a good impression of the high standard of service we could expect if we got married here, talking about the food with clear passion and allaying all my fears about the enormous size of the space. Doug however was not convinced it wouldn't engulf us and the accommodation issue we encountered last week once more raised its awkward head as words like Travelodge and minibus were thrown around. Having seen other venues which have on-site rooms it's hard to let go of how much easier this makes everything and I can now only see this as a major downside.

Finally we visited Shendish Manor, a very grand-looking hotel and golf club which I must admit I didn't have a clear mental picture of before today. It definitely improved on Theobalds Park as grand old houses go but by this point those barns had really worked their way under my skin and I just wasn't so keen on the wood-panelled, traditional feel as I had been. There were some major pluses here - we could get married in an idyllic outdoor setting (depending on the weather), we could go on past midnight with both bar and music and there was exactly the right amount of space for our numbers, but in the end I think it's probably just too much a big hotel, with all the lack of intimacy that suggests.

So, although it may be obvious which of these venues we've provisionally booked, I'm holding my horses on revealing it just yet for fear of it becoming too fixed in our heads as "the one". We have three more to see tomorrow and I really want to keep an open mind. Thing is, I'm told it's like looking for a house - you know when you see it. And I think I know.

The venue hunt begins

After weeks of head-in-the-clouds daydreaming, the wedding plans finally snapped into sharp focus yesterday as the hunt for the perfect venue finally got underway. Somehow, despite dreamily reading a whole stack of wedding magazines over Christmas and visiting what I can only imagine must be dozens of venue websites, I've managed to get to this point without any clear vision of what I want, and beginning the round of visits hasn't made things any clearer.

After de-icing and digging out the car, we drove out through the picturesque, snow-covered Epping Forest to visit Gaynes Park Barns in Essex first. I was really excited about this one having seen their facebook page (here) and our arrival wasn't disappointing. Although slightly hard to imagine a spring wedding with everything covered in snow, the gardens and general setting were obviously lovely and the prospect of walking through the walled garden to make my big entrance had me giddy with excitement.

As we started to delve into the details further however a couple of negative points emerged. Firstly, as it has an indoor barn with mezzanine level and an outdoor barn, is it too big for our 60-odd guests? And more importantly, where is everyone going to stay? The site itself has no accommodation for anyone besides the bride and groom, who stay in a little cottage called the Apple Lodge. Doug has an unshakeable idea that he'll be up all hours drinking port with the boys and while I'm not convinced about that(!), I do have a picture in my mind of everyone having breakfast together the next morning as a finale to the wedding, which I'd have to abandon if we used the Apple Lodge as our accommodation.

Finally, and more spanner-in-the-works still, they don't have availability in May. Our only choice here is to have the wedding on Easter weekend and I suspect that by the time we make a decision to book, that this will be gone, leaving us with a choice between early April (even more hit and miss with the weather) or May 2012, which is head-spinningly far off.

Feeling totally confused, we headed next for The Hertfordshire, a very grand-looking golf club which is closer to home and quite a bit cheaper than Gaynes Park. The major plus with this venue is that food and drink isn't packaged so we can do exactly what we want and won't waste cash on things we don't need. They also won't turf us out as soon as the clock strikes midnight (Gaynes Park will) and have availability for the weekend we want.
There are, naturally, some downsides here as well. The members bar is right alongside the function room so it's not as private as we would like. In fact, knowing what golf club members can be like, a badly timed football match could ruin our reception with rowdiness - and not rowdiness of our own making! Also, the ceremony room, although nice with it's fireplace, just doesn't offer the grand entrance and long sashay up the aisle other venues can. In fact, the main entrance into the building for the bride here is the same as that for anyone using the gym or hairdressers that day - not exactly glamorous!

So, after a morning's venue research I'm left more confuzzled than ever. We really liked both venues for their architecture and setting so I now don't know if I'm more a grand house or a rustic barn bride, but neither was quite right, leaving me panicing that no venue will tick all our boxes.

Am I being too fussy? Do all of these things really matter? And, if there's no such thing as perfect, what should we compromise on?

The dreaded budget

Now that it's 2010 I can actually say I'm getting married "next year" and the preparations are getting all the more real. No more dizzily flicking through the wedding magazine pages for me, it's time to get serious about what we can afford and how.

First back-to-earth-with-a-bump task was the set the budget. The average UK wedding costs something like £20,000 and we're in London so we can more or less count on having to pay the highest prices on everything from the venue hire to the cake. Fortunately however this much-touted £20,000 figure actually includes the engagement ring (paid for) and the honeymoon (a separate budget as travel is so important to us) so the wedding itself is more likely to come in around £16,000, all things being "average", whatever that means.

We've had a lot of help from Doug's parents over the years but luckily we apparently haven't yet exhausted their goodwill so we have a nice substantial contribution to count on from them.

My mum however wants to do things differently and is paying for the dress, which means we can take that gargantuan budget-buster of an expense out of the spreadsheet (I know, a spreadsheet isn't exactly romantic, but this is, apparently, serious business) but not discard it altogether as I'm not entirely sure if her idea of an appropriate amount to spend on this is quite the same as mine.

That just leaves a shortfall of more money than I can bare to think too long about for us to save. Fortunately I've had this in mind for a while so we have a nice headstart but we have other demands on our money which are more important to us (namely an upcoming trip to Peru and a loooooong honeymoon to the States) so this is still likely to be an uphill battle involving cutting back on dinners out, copious drinks and lots of other fun things throughout 2010. Perhaps I'd better put my head back in those mags and remind myself what we're doing this for...